Artwork: Wapsi Square

Who wouldn’t want to get into Private Vasquez’s chonis? She’d pop you on the cheek, punch you in the arm… pues, mira, lo pasarias bien!

Oh, did I just objectify Vasquez? Oooooh, hell yeah! You try going into hypersleep in deep space with shitty cornbread and the likes of Hudson, Bishop and Gorman, and see if you aren’t hankering for a good time after a sweaty Bug Hunt.

That’s what I loved about Vazquez… gender-bending and non-binary before her time. Was she a lesbian? Was she bi? Who the hell cares? I would give anything to hang out with her…

But I digress. Can we separate the fictional character from the actress? Man, it’s hard when you see how cool actress Jenette Goldstein is in real life.

A self-proclaimed “mouthy Jewess,” Jenette Goldstein has managed a balanced life of showing up for her adoring Aliens, T2 and Near Dark fans at conventions and other events with being a businesswoman non pareil.

But did you know that Goldstein also owns lingerie stores that sell bras for “hard to fit” women and folx with bountiful bosoms?

Called simply Jenette Bras, the original store location was created in 2009 to fill a need that Goldstein experienced firsthand after finding out she had been wearing the wrong bra size for most of her life. After being fitted correctly, she found out she was a size 34G. Yes, G. My lady friends in the house know what I’m talking about… hence the store motto of Jenette Bras: “The Alphabet starts at D.”

Jenette Bras’ offerings include cute bra & panty sets, thongs, sports bras, sexy bondage harness-style sets, lingerie collections from European and American design houses, and swimsuits too. All of these are curated by Madame Goldstein and her wonderful staff, who appear to  have fun while doing it.

As a proud native of East Hollywood, California, I’ve watched the proprietor of Jenette Bras grow her business from a single location at the laid-back end of Melrose Avenue to three more locations in Los Angeles and a brand-spanking new store in  Atlanta.

Atlanta mural art by Mr. Totem

Goldstein is dedicated to her mission of preaching the gospel of expertly-fitted brassieres, and her joyful commitment to her clients and employees is evident in her fun live Instagram posts.

Despite a previous business model of “no online orders” so that they may provide superb customer service and a great in-person fitting experience, Jenette Bras has changed with the Corona Times and will give 15% off mail orders plus free shipping. You can call their Bra Hotline to talk to a bra-fitting expert and place an order at (323) 389-5102.

Especially now, Jenette Bras’ service to the community stands in the balance, as do many small businesses. Whether or not you’re a fan of Jenette’s classic roles in Aliens, Terminator 2 or Near Dark, consider buying a gift certificate for yourself or a loved one who would benefit from the exquisite range of styles and sizes offered.

Your purchases not only support the business, but also the charities that Jenette Bras is committed to through their non-profit “Hourglass Underground,” which buys bras and organizes volunteers to fit girls in foster care as part of CASA Los Angeles’s annual “Glamour Gowns” event:

Providing support for girls in Los Angeles foster care is an important part of Jenette Bras made possible by @glamourgownssuitup and @casa.la 💗 We has to miss this year’s event due to COVID19, but we’ll be back! Be a part of @hourglassunderground 💪🏽

Posted by Jenette Bras on Monday, April 6, 2020

When we all wander back out into the real world, may you celebrate life and go buy someone some beautiful underthings from Jenette “Vasquez” Goldstein (or Diamondback, or Janelle, whatever your fave), and Jenette Bras.

Be sure to follow Jenette Bras on Facebook, Instagram (for Los Angeles and Atlanta locations) and Twitter too!