Scream Queens

Another week, another episode of “Scream Queens.” Already, it seems as though this season is ramping up to be as exciting and hysterical as the last. But first, a recap:

Last week, we were introduced to Dean Munch’s C.U.R.E. Institute, a new state-of- the-art hospital with an aim to “cure the incurable.” Staffed with hot doctors, Cassidy Cascade (Taylor Lautner; yes, gawd) and Brock Holt (John Stamos), the motley crew seems like a perfect storm for mischief, especially when rounded out by the conniving “advanced practice registered nurse” played by a (still gorgeous) Kirstie Alley.

Oh, and the C.U.R.E. Clinic happened to open in the same hospital that was once the site of a series of brutal murders 30 years prior.

The Chanels and Zayday are summoned by Dean (now Doctor) Munsch to enroll in a work-study program to earn their medical degrees. Their initial claim to fame comes in the form of Catherine Hobart (played by Saturday Night Live’s Cecily Strong) who suffers from hypertrichosis or “werewolf syndrome” causing extreme hair growth. They “cure” her after drastically lowering the testosterone levels in her body causing her to go completely bald. The Chanels, in their ever-giving nature, give her a makeover.

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During a “scalding water bath” as recommended by Chanel Number 5, Hobart is brutally murdered by the “Green Meanie” a killer that looks suspiciously like the murderer that plagued the hospital 30 years ago. Spooky.

**Spoilers for “Scream Queens” Episode 2: ‘Warts and All’ to Follow**

Episode 2 opens up where the first left off. The police have arrived to investigate the murder and subtly not-so- subtly accuse Chanel Number Five of committing the murder herself, despite being locked in a “scalding bath” herself. The other Chanels enthusiastically agree, frustrating Chanel Number Five who always seems to get the short end of the stick. I legitimately feel bad for her despite how utterly horrible she is (shout out to Abigail Breslin who KILLS being that awful).

Their next “star patient” is revealed in Tyler (played by “Arrow’s” Colton Haynes) a hotter-than- hot Encyclopedia Brown fanatic afflicted with Neurofibromatosis Type 1; a genetic condition causing the sufferer to grow massive amounts of tumors. He and Number 5 hit it off in an adorable “beauty is only skin deep” romance. However, that romance is fairly short-lived.

Zayday takes it upon herself to uncover Munsch’s true intentions behind opening C.U.R.E., which are revealed to be that she herself is suffering from an unknown medical ailment. Zayday does some sleuthing and gives Munsch the devastating diagnosis that she is suffering from Kuru (a disease caused by cannibalism – we’ll let you figure that one out; let’s not ruin everything) and only has a year to live. Chad Radwell (played by Glen Powell) makes his triumphant return, much to the thrill of Chanel Oberlin (and the chagrin of Dr. Holt), and begins doing his damnedest to assert his dominance.

The competition between Dr. Holt and Chad heats up rather quickly and comes to a head with a hilarious, albeit quite… attention getting, sequence in which Chad and Hold have a naked shower stand- off. According to John Stamos, that scene was a little more-than awkward to film. “Well yeah, it was pretty awkward, but Glen is so damn funny. I at least wore a G-string or something, but he wore a very tiny… a medium-sized sock…”

If we could have been a fly on that wall…

Tonight’s episode also makes way for the triumphant return of Hester Ulrich (formerly Chanel Number 6), played by the wonderful Lea Michele. Hester gets super “Hannical Lecter-ey” (even quoting the infamous cannibal’s “fly, fly away” line directly) and reveals that she knows a lot more about the grim history (and future) of the hospital than our protagonists. However, in typical evil-genius fashion, she refuses to give up the info for free. She has demands; specifically, out-of-production French cosmetics because this is “Scream Queens” and of course she does.

All in all, after a run in with the Green Meanie, Munsch and The Chanels come to the grave conclusion that they have another serial killer on their hands; bad luck and death just seems to follow these fools.

“Scream Queens” looks as though it’s going to be quite the roller coaster this season, my only hope is that they are able to avoid falling into the same tropes they fell into last season. It would be fairly easy based on the format for become repetitive. So far, that doesn’t seem to be an issue but – we’ll see how things carry out from here.

“Scream Queens” airs Tuesdays on FOX at 9pm/8ct.

Feel free to follow and ridicule Ian Donegan on Twitter @ianjdonegan. That guy’s kind of a jerk anyway.

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